Faces of the Adversary

So I fight with a mixture of flesh and knowledge,barely picking up my spiritual weapons...

Here I am again, sitting in the mire of self pity, whimpering like a stinking victim, tired of walking on egg shells.  I'm angry again and again, because when I extend the olive branch of friendship it only causes me .more pain and rejection.  I fight so hard not to defend myself because God is my defender....and I wear myself out, screaming inside my head "What do you want from me?!", What do I now? do I simply walk away? nope! I can't do that, I lose more than that person who aggravates me, although I'd feel s0  much relief ....I would lose WAY more....

Instead, I prayed, I even joined in prayer with a partner to see break through in this fight against my Adversary; the "accuser of the brethern".  

What would my break through look like? Aaahh, my brain dives into a refreshing fantasy, where no confict exists.

A well balanced healthy relationship, which would include me, where both parties feel comfortable, safe and loved and enjoying a free flowing river of love and peace. A relationship that exercises grace while learning one anothers personalities and limits of conversation.  A place where talking is easy, and even public displays of affection are allowed.

 I'm realizing that THAT could look different to every individual.  Perhaps the other side of this relationship hopes for a place that they can walk in without feeling measured or compared to anyone else. Or even a confidence that in this relationship there is real love.

See in prayer we have seen some relief, some break through, but not for me, or for the relationship, but for the other person! My prayers are being answered, break thru is happening...yet I struggle, yet I am hurt, I'm still offended, still treading on egg shells and I'm rejected...

These words from The Message bible HIT ME....

"Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again.  They come about because you want your own way and fight for it deep inside yourselves."

James 4:1

Oh God, I do want my own way, whats wrong with my way? Why is MY way repelling another person? I just want to get along with my loved ones, which means accept me for what I am and change who you are so I can be happy....I just want to live at peace, which means if  something is bugging me I'll tell you and you'll listen  and all will be better,, because I got it off my chest.... enjoy the increasing family, Hey I gave up alot to see this increase so I want to recieve my portion, period. rejoice in their blessings, they should see me as their blessing and I can enjoy their shower of gratitude.

After that word, and struggle, I say "Oh God help me to overcome the faces of the Advesary, to recognize his scheming ways and continue to see yet more break thru, I pray these things in the name of Jesus.