Heart Surgery
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Born Again
I’ve been a believer in God and practiced my religion ever since I could remember. I’ve been a Born Again believer In God the Father and Jesus the Savior and the Holy Spirit who comforts me for 37 years. This month on July 7th I celebrated my born again birthday :D
I prefaced this musing with these facts because after 37 years of practicing my faith and choosing God's narrow path, I’ve encountered yet another conversion experience. This week I have been in God the healers surgical hands and today I’m in post op :)
Self Righteous vs. God Righteous
Some back story to this encounter is that I come from a self righteous, “I’m a good girl”mentality. Why is that relevant? Well because I truly did not believe I was a sinner! Yikes! What a terrible disclosure huh? When I’ve shared my faith with another person or “witnessed” to others about what God has done for me, lil ole me, and I ask if they know they're sinners, ALWAYS, they’re response is “Of course! We’re all sinners” But, come on! There has got to be good people, like me :D, law abiding citizens, conscientious individuals and generous souls that truly feel that they live like they do because they are righteous, they feel that within them is some righteousness that comes from self to help them stay up right.
I was radically converted 37 years ago in an “organic” christian concert and I saw for the first time that I was a sinner in need of a savior. I fearfully walked to the altar of repentance. Unbeknownst to me, I had armored my person with a lifetime of self righteousness that would take God's patient love and sanctifying process to help me see and own my guilt.Then, and only then could I graciously put on his righteousness. On his narrow path I have experienced joy and peace. My recent encounter reminded me again that I’m a sojourner passing through hoping to get to a better place called Heaven.
Just the Facts
Here’s my experience: I’m not sure if this kind of experience can be “just the facts” but I’ll try.
I had a bone to pick with my husband of 32 years-neglect and complacency were the charges
I threw the charges at him and let him figure out how to extradite himself-He put his case in capable hands: Jesus
I brought the long list of misdemeanors and violations to Jesus, I wanted him to see all the misdemeanors and violations that lead to this chasm, Jesus didn’t look at my list. Meanwhile, I spent some time in a devotional called Uncommen Love is..., Jesus said to me! 1 Corinthians 13: 4 Love is patient, love is kind… WHAT?! I argued that my love is so patient and kind when I’m not violated. I cried. It wasn’t fair that I felt accused. I was angry that my husband was being so patient!
That night I angrily wrote in my journal “He’s in the other room busy, while I’m here in the mire of my bitterness and loneliness! He doesn’t care.Hurt and resentful, I allowed the sun to go down on my anger that night and I felt quite alone.
As if I didn’t sleep I continued my cry, my complaint to God “I don’t know where to begin with my frustration? With my hurt? With my rejected hopes and desires? ...and I hear your Word calling me. “James 4:1-2 From Where come wars and fights among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? You lust and you do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain…” I found it too difficult to listen and much less apply this word to my life. That was for those people out in the world. I cried and I tried to put on a coat of condemnation, “why are you always picking on me” I said to God, please, let us reason together, you know my heart and life. I tried to point out my good works, but those very things pointed a guilty finger back at me, bringing me back to my desires and the things I coveted and wasn’t obtaining.
That evening, I went to mid-week service and as I lifted my hands to worship God I tried to sing “You’re my righteousness, you’re my strength, you’re my redeemer and my lips shall sing your praise” But I couldn’t praise him, I was arguing my case. Now I was offended by God that he would remind me that it is his righteousness that gives me strength...Didn’t I know that already?
Pastor preached a message called “Who is Messing With Your Head? Nobody, the title bothered me. He preached everything I already knew...Be angry sin not, your troubles need to be brought to God, sometimes troubles come when we aren’t surrendered (hmmph!) and in conclusion he read Proverbs 14:6-9 OMGoodness! I was not scoffing and I was not a fool! He said “Be honest with yourself…” The moment the altar call was over, I practically ran out to my car.
At home, my husband patiently tried to help us. He extended his arms to comfort me because he could see my inward battle. Every possible emotion exploded within me. How could he be so kind? Was he laughing at me? Didn’t he care? He definitely couldn’t understand me. It wasn’t fair. Why must I be so exposed and humiliated? A marriage takes a man and a woman to give their part. Wasn’t he guilty too? Pride lifted its ugly head, as he tried to apologize. I retorted “What are you sorry for? I didn’t want his pity, I didn’t want fake words. He carefully shared his heart, as much as he could. I felt another prick to my heart, as the bitterness and unrighteous anger oozed out. I saw Leviathan (pride) high and lifted up, consuming me, manning my vessel. It was ugly. I was ugly. With my own actions I was tearing us down. Though I struggled with fear of rejection, failure and insecurity, I allowed my husband to pray for me and comfort me.
Through my husband, the one I was accusing, God let me see a smidgeon of his way of love: patient and kind.
I wish I could say that there it ended and I repented, but the next morning I tussled some more with God on the whole issue of righteousness. My righteousness vs. God's righteousness. My desires, my wants vs. Gods plan for me. It was painful to see the walls of separation and selfishness that I had contributed to building. God kindly and patiently shared some secrets from his own heart and I found hope and was comforted. Then I was able to bring the conversation to my husband and we made a better plan for us. Sounds so simple right?
In conclusion:
I realize that we all have our own journey with Jesus on this narrow path, including my husband. I thought it well enough to share a day of my sanctification process. Since I am much refreshed, I’m hoping to refresh you reader.
P.S. After 3 decades of marriage and the danger of complacency, busyness and fatigue lurking at every corner, we both must make intentional moves toward each other and water our love.
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